I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My vagina just recognized that song.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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