I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
