Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
