He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
