are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize