I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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