I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
