Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
