Cold hands, warm shart.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I think my fart just growled at me.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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