I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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