At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
PANTIES FOUND
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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