Sober January is a disaster.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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