1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
