I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Randomize
