My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
