I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
