I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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