Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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