i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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