I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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