i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
