I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
