was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
