well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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