i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
