Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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