if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
