The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
