Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
