my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
