1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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