I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
