I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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