she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
