I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
