tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
