my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize