im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize