I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
