The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
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