last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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