did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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