I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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