we should wear snuggies to the strip club
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
