I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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