Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
