Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
