Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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