On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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