Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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