Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
