it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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