First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
