Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize