We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
