I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
