I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
