my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
